Whether it’s your very first cruise or your fifteenth, there are a few classic mistakes that can turn your dream voyage into a floating fiasco. You know the kind—tiny oversights that snowball into missed ports, awkward dinners, and a sudden, burning desire to swim back to shore.
Lucky for you, I’ve been on enough cruises (and watched enough disasters unfold) to know exactly where the icebergs of bad decisions are hiding. And today, I’m your personal navigator, steering you clear of every “What was I thinking?” moment before it even happens.
1. Packing Like You’re Moving to the Ship
Listen, you do not need six pairs of heels, three formal gowns, and a “just in case” parka for your Caribbean cruise. (Although, if you’re heading to Alaska… fine. Pack the parka. Just remember you might also need to book a separate stateroom for your luggage.)
Overpacking is the fastest way to turn your cozy cruise cabin into an episode of Hoarders: At Sea. You’ll spend more time playing high-stakes Tetris with your closet than you will sipping piña coladas on the deck.
Pro tip: If you can’t lift it over your head, you probably don’t need it. And if you have to sit on it to zip it, you definitely don’t.
2. Forgetting the Sunscreen… Until You’re Lobster Red
You’ll swear you “never burn”… right up until Day 2, when you’ve achieved the exact same shade as the ship’s emergency lifeboat. Suddenly, you’re the unofficial mascot for “Danger, Hot Surface.”
Picture this: you in a deck chair, wincing every time a breeze dares to touch your skin, clutching a drink with a tiny umbrella like it’s your last shred of dignity. Not comfortable. Not cute. Not DEMURE!
Solution: Bring the SPF, and reapply like it’s your full-time job—bonus points if you set an alarm for it. And please, make it reef-safe sunscreen. Not only will some destinations require it, but the fish will thank you for not turning their home into a chemical spill.
3. Treating the Muster Drill Like Optional Homework
Yes, it’s boring. No, it’s not optional. The muster drill is basically the cruise ship’s version of “here’s how to not become breaking news on the Travel Channel.”
This is the part where they show you how to put on that oh-so-stylish orange life vest (spoiler: it will clash with everything you packed), tell you where to go in case of an emergency, and explain why running toward the buffet during a fire is frowned upon.
It’s 15 minutes. That’s it. Pay attention, clap politely when it’s over, and then get back to your piña colada—secure in the knowledge that you can now survive a Titanic reenactment without Leo.
4. Assuming Wi-Fi Will Be Fast… or Cheap
Ship Wi-Fi is not like your home internet. It’s more like your internet from 2003—if it was powered by seagulls delivering each byte one at a time. You’ll click “send” on an email and have enough time to grab lunch, take a nap, and come back just in time to watch it almost go through.
If you absolutely must stay connected—whether it’s for work, family, or your very important daily Wordle—buy the Wi-Fi package before you board. It’s almost always cheaper that way, and you’ll thank yourself when you’re not paying $40 a day for the privilege of watching the loading bar crawl to 12%.
Just remember: you’re on a cruise to unplug. If the connection drops, take it as the universe telling you to put the phone down and go have another frozen drink.
5. Waiting Until You’re Onboard to Book Excursions
The early bird gets the dolphin swim. The procrastinator gets… a thrilling walking tour of the ship’s gift shop, complete with an up-close look at overpriced keychains and “I ❤️ My Cruise” mugs.
Here’s the thing—those once-in-a-lifetime adventures? They sell out fast. Snorkeling with sea turtles, helicopter rides over glaciers, ziplining through rainforests… gone before you’ve even unpacked your carry-on.
Book your must-do excursions before you board—and if you’re headed somewhere high-demand like Alaska, book them as soon as humanly possible. (We’re talking the minute you know your sailing date.) Your future self will thank you when you’re ziplining over a rainforest instead of debating which fridge magnet best says “I wasted my port day.”
⚓ Final Boarding Call
Cruises are pure magic when you’re prepared—sunsets over the open ocean, endless food, and that glorious feeling of zero responsibilities. But when you’re not? Well… they turn into a floating comedy of errors. (And not the kind you want immortalized in your vacation photos.)
Skip the rookie mistakes and you’ll avoid things like packing battles with your cabin closet, walking around the ship the color of a ripe tomato, or learning the hard way that “free time in port” means loitering in a souvenir shop.
Do it right, and your biggest decision of the day will be whether to hit the buffet before the pool… or the pool before the buffet. Either way, you win.
